It was back in 2020 when dad left us, just over a year ago. A year that flew past each day, week and month until once again another painful reminder of loss wrapped itself around me and my family, those closest to him once again finding the tears, the memories of years gone by and the lonely moments they now stood amidst without their, our, my father and friend. It’s definitely been a struggle to come to terms with. The constant reminders, the day dream moments, the long deep breaths. I often stand by the back door at night gazing towards the sky, occasionally making out images spread amongst the clouds, I momentarily see what looks like dad staring over me, it makes me smile for a second or two before nature scrubs out my imagination. It’s a good way to say goodnight as he passes overhead.
From the second we received the dreaded call that Dad had sadly passed away right down to writing this, it’s been a roller coaster of every emotion. Looking into the eyes of my siblings, family members, friends of dad who’d stop me in my tracks and spin a story they’d lived years back. Each day I’d go back to my past and re-live sometimes a split second moment, some made me smile, some made me laugh out loud, others made my tears jolt forward with another I miss you moment. During the torment of losing dad, coping with Covid19 and being separated from family and friends we sadly lossed my dads only brother, Uncle Peter. A very religious man who had lossed his wife June to cancer, which also claimed his life. He was laid to rest with his former wife and their gravesides are just metres away from Dad.
Not all the days were filled with sad tones, we did have great news from Pete and his now wife Keri, they were expecting their first child and now are the proud parents of a beautiful little princess who very soon will be receiving the biggest of cuddles. My brother and his new wife spent a lot of time apart, Keri lives in America, Pete lived in our home town of Blackburn, being the youngest of four he still lived at home with Dad. Keri is leaving America to settle in their new home, they are moving to the south of England, Yeovil to live together and start their lives as Husband and Wife, Father and Mother. I’ll definitely miss my brother being close but even though they’re about a six hour drive away it’s not like a million miles and would definitely be worth the journey.
My Partner Angela has been battling her own illness, after being in severe pain she was admitted to hospital, after what seemed an eternity she was allowed home but we are still awaiting further investigations and check ups early next year. Fingers crossed Angela will be fighting fit once again. She is currently coping with the dreaded covid19 so things at home right now are up in the air, keeping our distance and disinfecting as become the norm, touch wood I’ve not been infected so hopefully very soon we can get back to some normality and enjoy the festive season.
I usually don’t entertain Christmas until after the 17th of December, it would have been my Daughter Kirsty’s birthday so the run up would be a testing time for me and probably those closest to me. This year even though I still think about her and my two other angels I have coped a lot better. The 17th will still hurt but I haven’t allowed the weeks before to dictate my thoughts and feelings. I’ve spent many a year after year tormenting myself through grief and sadness but without completely letting go this year for some reason feels different. I don’t completely understand what changed but I think losing Dad and coming to terms with that loss as helped to heal my heart. In my eyes we are not supposed to have to say goodbye to our children before they’ve actually lived and having to say goodbye to dad kind of put my mixed up emotions into some kind of order. It’s the only year since dad passed away that my thoughts and feelings have drifted this way. Healing is a slow process but eventually it happens, Loss of a loved one is the hardest part of life because it’s just never the same once they’ve gone, memories repeatedly replace the smiles, occasionally tears but that’s life I suppose.
To all my family and friends especially Angela for putting up with me. We lost a great man, A father, a friend, we lost valuable family members but we also gained a few new little humans. Peter, Bella, Amelia, Hattie, Raith, Ava, Myles, Hope and Ellie. I hold all my family in my heart ♥️, occasionally I might not show it but deep down I truly love you all. Let’s see what 2022 has in store for us all.
Inside My Mind. My Darkest Journal 