I called today just to see your face, drove straight to your door like I did many yesterday’s before I looked at your door and gripped the wheel, why did I visit, your no longer here. We talked in the past, we didn’t say much but whenever we did we said what meant most. I could be honest, I had nothing to lose, whatever we said was ours, no one else’s. Words of truth, said how it was. Honesty being the best policy like a confession spoke behind net curtains, the following conversations spoken to slacken the load. Words pour without conviction, the following ten minutes your hearts on the table. If I could stretch out my arm and reach for the stars. I’d hold you and feel just for a second the love that I felt the last time I held you.
I’ll never forget the last time I saw you, that image is etched into life changing moments. The times we look back on, the smiles we remember, the stories we tell like reading a journal. It’s times like these we lived in that moment, a memory like the ghosts we share life with.
Hey Dad, two words I wish I could still say. When you left it was a goodbye we didn’t want to say but when we lost you we were also given a new life, almost like some kind of order we received word that Ellie was born. Being she was born in America and we were over the pond in England meant we had to wait for our chance to say hello and welcome but the chance we have waited for is almost here. I, we can’t wait to meet you. A great man left and a little human came from a far away land to be amongst us. I think the family would not have been able to heal without the fact Ellie was the new, the youngest member of the family and we would eventually be able to spend some much needed quality time together. One chapter comes to an end and one new adventure begins. Ellie you will be loved, you will hear many stories about the Grandad who sadly left before you had a chance to touch his heart but part of him will always be part of you.
Roll on the next couple of weeks so we can finally say hello.
It was back in 2020 when dad left us, just over a year ago. A year that flew past each day, week and month until once again another painful reminder of loss wrapped itself around me and my family, those closest to him once again finding the tears, the memories of years gone by and the lonely moments they now stood amidst without their, our, my father and friend. It’s definitely been a struggle to come to terms with. The constant reminders, the day dream moments, the long deep breaths. I often stand by the back door at night gazing towards the sky, occasionally making out images spread amongst the clouds, I momentarily see what looks like dad staring over me, it makes me smile for a second or two before nature scrubs out my imagination. It’s a good way to say goodnight as he passes overhead.
From the second we received the dreaded call that Dad had sadly passed away right down to writing this, it’s been a roller coaster of every emotion. Looking into the eyes of my siblings, family members, friends of dad who’d stop me in my tracks and spin a story they’d lived years back. Each day I’d go back to my past and re-live sometimes a split second moment, some made me smile, some made me laugh out loud, others made my tears jolt forward with another I miss you moment. During the torment of losing dad, coping with Covid19 and being separated from family and friends we sadly lossed my dads only brother, Uncle Peter. A very religious man who had lossed his wife June to cancer, which also claimed his life. He was laid to rest with his former wife and their gravesides are just metres away from Dad.
Happy Times
Not all the days were filled with sad tones, we did have great news from Pete and his now wife Keri, they were expecting their first child and now are the proud parents of a beautiful little princess who very soon will be receiving the biggest of cuddles. My brother and his new wife spent a lot of time apart, Keri lives in America, Pete lived in our home town of Blackburn, being the youngest of four he still lived at home with Dad. Keri is leaving America to settle in their new home, they are moving to the south of England, Yeovil to live together and start their lives as Husband and Wife, Father and Mother. I’ll definitely miss my brother being close but even though they’re about a six hour drive away it’s not like a million miles and would definitely be worth the journey.
My Partner Angela has been battling her own illness, after being in severe pain she was admitted to hospital, after what seemed an eternity she was allowed home but we are still awaiting further investigations and check ups early next year. Fingers crossed Angela will be fighting fit once again. She is currently coping with the dreaded covid19 so things at home right now are up in the air, keeping our distance and disinfecting as become the norm, touch wood I’ve not been infected so hopefully very soon we can get back to some normality and enjoy the festive season.
I usually don’t entertain Christmas until after the 17th of December, it would have been my Daughter Kirsty’s birthday so the run up would be a testing time for me and probably those closest to me. This year even though I still think about her and my two other angels I have coped a lot better. The 17th will still hurt but I haven’t allowed the weeks before to dictate my thoughts and feelings. I’ve spent many a year after year tormenting myself through grief and sadness but without completely letting go this year for some reason feels different. I don’t completely understand what changed but I think losing Dad and coming to terms with that loss as helped to heal my heart. In my eyes we are not supposed to have to say goodbye to our children before they’ve actually lived and having to say goodbye to dad kind of put my mixed up emotions into some kind of order. It’s the only year since dad passed away that my thoughts and feelings have drifted this way. Healing is a slow process but eventually it happens, Loss of a loved one is the hardest part of life because it’s just never the same once they’ve gone, memories repeatedly replace the smiles, occasionally tears but that’s life I suppose.
To all my family and friends especially Angela for putting up with me. We lost a great man, A father, a friend, we lost valuable family members but we also gained a few new little humans. Peter, Bella, Amelia, Hattie, Raith, Ava, Myles, Hope and Ellie. I hold all my family in my heart ♥️, occasionally I might not show it but deep down I truly love you all. Let’s see what 2022 has in store for us all.
Tears stain a perfect memory, they steal smiles born of forgotten yesterday’s. Ones of unconditional love lost amongst those perfect thoughts. Wrapped around you like much needed hugs, Holding them tightly for fear they’ll simply fade into fog. The love you carry deep within your heart only hurts just before the tears start. Loss isn’t letting go or forgotting but remembering where you’ve been, what you’ve seen, It’s the memories we’ve learnt to walk between. Many times I’ll think about you, I truly wish you were still with us, you’ve left a huge amount of treasured memories wrapped around my heartstrings. Today I look towards the heavens and wish you “Happy Birthday Dad”. Miss you more than I ever realised. May I Stare across the starry night and find the brightest star of all, if only for a second, maybe three I’ll find you staring back at me…
Happy Easter everybody, today we would be visiting the family, watching the kids gleam upon their Easter eggs, endless smiles until that one egg too many got the better of them. Adults alike, we are all victims of over indulging when chocolate is concerned, well I am. The Easter bunny definitely called to our home, our two year old grand daughter collected a bountiful amount of goodies on her way downstairs and enjoyed her little adventure. Even with this horrendous lock down we still managed to video call with family so even being forced apart we still managed to see those smiling faces. Times like this we all need that connection, I suppose it’s the only way to beat this social distancing and keep those around us safe. Our family like many others have downloaded apps like WhatsApp and Zoom, created groups we can all congregate, keep in touch and most importantly keep ourselves from completely going insane. If you haven’t downloaded these apps yet please do so. It’s a much needed lifeline.
So the roasts are slowly cooking for later, the chocolate is temptingly close to being unwrapped before 12am and well I hope this is the case for everyone out there, religion or just annual tradition of indulgence, whatever your reason. Remember chocolate as major magic properties (wink, wink) if nothing else it will put a smile on your face and lets face it, we all need as many smiles as possible right now. Happy Easter everybody and keep smiling.
I looked to the news today for inspiration, all I received were warnings to stay within the perimeters. Don’t go out, stay two metres apart, stay home. Don’t venture outside unless you really need to. Today the entire world could be sneezing. As a child I remember singing Ring‐a‐Ring o’ Roses, today this threat definitely poses has they all start falling. Frightening times of 2020, this invisible threat keeps the entire planet locked behind closed doors of our personal quarantined confined spaces. From Smallpox to Black death to Cholera and Yellow fever, Influenza, HIV, Sars, Ebola, Mers and now Covid-19 the entire human race up against the wall once again, it’s frightening. Are we all lined up facing a diseased drenched firing squad as the bullets spread towards each and every one of us. No known cure, no antidote even world leaders, future kings may fall victim. It is a crazy, scary place out there right now yet I still see the ones prepared to spread these germs, flaunting warnings, walking around like their all on holiday, chatting in groups without the distance, why do they think they’re so different and this disease will have the manners to politely walk around them. The world right now is facing the fight of all fights, didn’t take a bullet yet we all might fall. An unseen enemy of each and every border, world war 3 isn’t fought with bombs but germs and now they’ve spread around the entire planet.We’re all part of this battle, please keep safe.
I’d just like to say to everyone out there. Keep safe and may we all get through this crazy scary time.
I’ve just ventured out for some necessities. Recently I’ve only travelled to work and back other than calling at my dads just to check in.
Today at the local supermarket I was met with mobs of people eager to fill up their baskets, I was only there for flowers, last minute and all that. I was shocked to see all the empty shelves like the nightstaff had either forgotten their rolls or just hadn’t turned in for their shifts. By the look of things the world seems to have devoured any and all signs of pasta.
This is what I imagined life during a war. Empty shelves, extremely quiet roads and apart from necessary journeys having to stay home like we’re all under some sort of curfew as well as being rationed due to the hoarders of stomachs more important.
I hope you all get through this unscathed and those closest to you are not infected by this invisible threat.
My first concern was to look into flu outbreaks and global deaths, frankly flu outweighs the current pandemic by an absolute massive amount. I’m really concerned for those infected, for the millions with underlying health issues and I can’t stress enough that I hope this comes and goes without causing any distress directly to yourselves.
That being said I do truly believe with the sudden change, the brakes being firmly applied to the cogs of our society, life will for some time be definitely harder.
This will I hope eventually bring us all a little closer, I think we will hate the seclusion, the safe distance we are being warned about. Our hands after gallons of purification will need holding.
Keep safe and the very best of luck in the coming months.
Lee.
P.s
Happy Mothers Day to all those in self isolation.
Corona virus is a deadly missile, it’s propulsion as spread its entrails throughout the world. Countless countries will fail in the coming months as reality strikes fear throughout our lands, A pandemic of global suffering not only for the infected but each and every one of us.
In it’s molten and hardened state it’s both fierce and extremely demanding.
Almost volcanic, poured from the furnace of man made eruptions, a liquid cauldron of iron & carbon.
Forged , formidable strength that cools colder than ice between the forced grip of each hand.
This powerful tensile will stop bullets, create an armoured clad fortress.
To me steel is the deafening noise that resists.
That piercing chaos whilst the entire asylum starts screaming.
To you steel might be your transport, your household utensils.To me it’s weight with curves, buckles & twists.To you it’s polished, beautiful & painted, to me it’s oily, grubby and dirty
The coldness it holds or the sweat it produces.
It’s a harsh environment, work guarantees your muscles are aching to a point your body feels like breaking.
It argues, it’s visious and never gives in. It’s dragged kicking and screaming to a point you take your first trim.
It’s a beast of an animal that wants to attack, it hasn’t got teeth yet still wants to bite.
It slices, it cuts, it’s powerful & dangerous, it demands total respect or prepares to maim even destroy you.
Steels odour drenches your linen, the greasy remnants sticks firm to the cotton. Creates handprints that linger like it wanted to wear you.
I suppose steel is the bedlam of a steel operator not the sleek shiny lustre you’ve all become accustomed.
Life’s a Rock & Roll album, it’s a tribute you wrote, produced & directed. Fragments of monsters & demons living amongst sunshine & daydreams.
It’s filled with chords you try to forget but mixed with times that stick, the ones that remind you this roller-coaster keeps moving forward, not your typical one hit wonder.
The ballads, the epic anthems, the crowds of mental screams and those of delightful laughter that lifted your spirit more than any adventure.
The thunderous solo’s when nothing else mattered, it simply clicked and just kept moving forward.
The riffs that turned into memories, instantly soared straight through your heartstrings, the beats pumped through your veins, times you felt more than alive.
The lines that stopped you dead in your tracks, the ones you revisit time and time again.
The many titles you give and take, the number one hits you didn’t make.
The tattooed jacket that kept you warm, the scruffy cool look like a pure rock star.
The highs, the lows, the ones that flowed, the ones that hid, the ones you wished you had left well alone.
The A and B sides of life on the flip, the wish that it was as easy as changing the god damn track.
Your favourites, the ones that make you tick, that beat and how you flowed into it, one second a foot, the next your entire body starts moving. It’s your album so bounce like nothing else matters, they’re your lyrics, nobody else’s.
Let the words become the feet that you dance with. Listen to the tribute acts but remember there’s only one of you, the original album you lived with.
Turn the volume up, feel it, pause, rewind, repeat, walk amongst the tunes like you own it.
Change the tempo, mix it up, let your soul jump. Free the words you hold deep inside, let your heart speak as you write your next line.
By,
L D Wright
I’ve lost my way once, twice, honestly more times than I care to remember, probably on a par with the times I’ve almost lost my temper. I’ve revisited past memories, ripped open old scars I should have forgotten before life became pain I draped, dragged around.
I became trapped amongst the past, lived amidst my ghosts I couldn’t put to rest.
Rattled bones I should have let sleep, said my goodbyes without releasing my grip.
This grief wrapped itself silently, tightly around me, it didn’t leave but became the demon that stalked me. How do I deal with loss I felt with my soul, wrenched like it was my time to go.
Did I hide my true feelings, covered them in smiles. Do I only see the foggy remnants now I’m almost half blind. Did my past chip away piece upon piece until the cracks blatantly showered ones broken dreams.
Now it’s too hard to hide, true tears replace the fake highs. You can’t read a book until you’ve turned the last page but its surprising what you hide behind the doors of your gaze. Did my eyes give me away, did you hear me sob behind the noise that I’d made, did I not light up when night became dawn, did i seek shadows the sun couldn’t find.
Did my poker face finally reveal cards close to my chest or the words I’d wrote shout louder than voice. Did you feel my battles I’d wrestled and fought. Am I still the hero now I’m battered and bruised, does courage now resemble the cape that I’ve used …….
Everybody needs time to recharge. Pity it took two decades & counting for mine.
Turn the volume up, feel it, pause, rewind, repeat, walk amongst the tunes like you own it.
Inside My Mind. My Darkest Journal 