All My Love….. By L D Wright

All my Love…..

It’s getting closer to that time of year, towards the times I’ve missed more than any other. Your birthday so close and then it’s Christmas, yet again no presents I’ll see you open.

By now you may have had a family of your own, a grandad, best present of them all. A festive dinner place you never filled, when I lost you I lost what meant the most to me.

Every year around this time you enter my thoughts more than ever, completely take my mind to totally different levels. Just get the 17th out the way then think about turning on those Christmas lights once again.

I miss my angels, all three of you. I try not to let it battle and batter me, it’s just so damn hard to live without you and the love I cherished. I’d have saved all my wishes for tomorrow’s visits.

I often look back and think about you, the times that we should have shared. I look up, blowing smoke rings towards the skies, tell you to all play nicely before sadly saying “goodnight”.

To be a father, such a proud time of life, a dream come true, so lucky to see them grow into adults, such a shame that didn’t happen. The heartache that lasts forever.

Growing older without you close leaves me feeling cold, your delicate hands no longer holding mine, given the chance I’d never let go. Shouldn’t have to live with memories that hurt this way but I still hold onto to the ones we made.

Carry you around in a few second snippets, no memories long enough to extend your visits. I miss you, I always will , I just hope, up there you still get to celebrate our festive season, hopefully one day I’ll see those presents opened.

Until then I’ll think about you often, hide the tears and hope too find the laughter whilst missing my little angels who made me a father.
All my love, Daddy…… xxx

By L D Wright

It’s all about the memories….. By L D Wright

It’s all about the Memories…..

I’ve found pieces of my puzzle, still some evade me like I’ve well and truly lost them. Unable to remember but one day maybe it will all click back together. Thinking about the past and how it’s gone so quickly, things I did at 5, now can’t remember why I’ve walked upstairs.

Life’s little reminders, the ones that make us smile, not thought about for years, suddenly float around your mind. Yesterday’s toils, the ones that get you down, a friendly face appears, turns the frowns the right way round.

Looking through the memories, the past and how you’ve changed, turning sticky pages to yet another age.

Revisiting distant adventures you’ve made along the way, some of the best roads when you visit Memory Lane.

Looking at the faces, sadly no longer here, the tears search for smiles of the special forgotten times we shared like it was only yesterday.

The first bike ride before you fell to get back up and carry on, the rope swing that could have ended life, the laughter with the kids now adults spread far and wide.

The story unfolding all about your life. The good, the bad and even the ugly times, without either your stories would be whole so different.

Life knocks you down too see you get back up, can’t accomplish much when you’re sitting on your butt. Well you can write but it just depends who’s reading so if I’ve made you smile then it’s all been more than worth it.
By L D Wright

Your Reflection….. By L D Wright

Your Reflection…..

I suppose it all depends on how life treat you that reflects the gaze staring back, mirrors don’t give answers no matter what the question, you can ask a thousand times you’ll never change the outcome.

What that reflection shows is your still here fighting the fight, You didn’t give in, you pulled out the stops before life decided to chase. Ask yourself the questions, don’t listen to the silence, that’s only filled with yesterday’s sadtones .
Listen to the voice that floats around our minds, it’s in all of us, it’s never too hard to find.

Yes the scars tell a story, doesn’t mean you’re broken, you’ve lived and life likes to remind us, Some scars are buried deep, wrapped around your heartstrings, our daily struggles some feeling like combat missions. Carry on no matter what came before it. It didn’t kill you, you must have grown stronger, after all your still here aren’t you.

Don’t rely on someone else to hold you up, that’s what your legs are for, stand, head up. You entered this world helpless, whatever happened next happened regardless. Harsh words but life doesn’t take prisoners,one second your here then calmly it destroys us.

So make the most of any given day, the present is a gift, the future isn’t promised, your plans and dreams so easily rewriten becoming a memory before life simply finished.

What happens next when the darkness fades our vision, do we just cease, do silent souls simply reappear, that’s our next story but for now not even written.
The ghosts of our past remembered by the few, making memories and the thoughts they’d left with you.

The last 48 gone by way too fast, a mixed up bag of tears but oh so many laughs, honestly times I’m honoured to have to witnessed. If I had my time to live them over, would I? The answer, most definitely Yes, I’d live them without changing one single day, well maybe a few but wouldn’t you too.

Life is for living and looking back whilst walking through it with a smile on your face. Embrace the moment and live it.

By L D Wright

A Different Story….. By L D Wright

A different story…..

The day’s change, yesterdays scars tattooed upon our heartstrings. Still the smiles appear, hit and miss throughout the years, head up, keep going forward, only way to keep yourself falling into times left behind us.
We’ve all got demons on our blind side, depends how we live amongst them how people perceive and judge us. Who knows what lies behind their eyelids.

Life defines the lines etched upon our faces, don’t take for granted until you’ve walked tied into their laces.
We’ve all got a story, we’ve all got unwanted chapters, not one of us angels, we’ve all got skeletons hanging in our wardrobes.

Think about the love, the laughs, the smiles, the ones who turned your world upside down, rearranged and captured daydreams, thoughts your surely reminiscing all those special unforgettable visions.

Apologise for wrong doings, forgive, forget we’re only human, sometimes clowns, we aren’t computers, we get things wrong, it’s just that simple.

Think about the ones who stuck around, the ones who keep in touch, even the ones you don’t see all that much, they’ve all got their own personal journeys, hopefully one day our paths will cross again and create a different version to the ones you thought you’d witness.

Maybe today, maybe tomorrow, whenever it is I’d be happy to simply make memories we can carry with us.

By L D Wright.

My Journal Continues….. By, L D Wright

My Journal Continues…..

It’s been a while since I last wrote but I’ve been in a battle of thoughts, I’ve lived through my nightmares I brought back to life and well tried so hard to deal or at least come to terms with the realisation that I needed to shout out louder and own up to the fact I genuinely needed help.

So when I started writing my blog I thought I could handle the truth, not just the basics but the blood, guts and nightmares my life had thrown at me.
Not only did my blog send me to the Darkest days I’d witnessed, relive the saddest ordeals but it actually dragged me to the lowest point of my life. The lowest being threatened by my very own thoughts, so scary I’d contemplated suicide. It was at this point I’d realised my blog was actually my very own scream for help. Various social media sites found a scary documented realisation that I was facing some very bad times. I completely thought I had a grip on my 20 + years of depression. Little did I know just how far I was off the mark.
My writing had created a demon that must have tagged along on my journey, my ability to say I was OK not only took people’s worries away but it also stopped my head from delving so much deeper than I needed or wanted to go. Living with my torment was easier to try and forget even though I usually, totally never did. I’d go to work thinking about my children, wake up, fall asleep thinking about them. Laugh and still feel the pain inside. Felt guilty about any smile, envy any parents. Look at that family love you only receive from your children and feel the pain fill my heart. All those moments you take for granted I felt rip my heart out because I knew I would never realise just how that feeling truly really felt.
I’m actually really glad I wrote about my past, my nightmares, my demons because if I had not, maybe right now I’d have not been able to.
The threat of suicide that comes out of the shadows really does sneak upon you. It wraps itself so stealth like you don’t feel its approach. You only realise when, one it’s either too late or when someone picks up on the sadness that’s spilling through you. All I can say is, please do not keep your nightmares locked inside your mind. They will grow, they will become powerful and they will beat even the strongest of minds.
On a plus side I’m now starting my next journey, I’ve entered into an agreement with a Counselling service that have agreed to counsel me. I don’t know how long this part of my story is going to take but I’m confident that the process can only generate a good outcome. Being honest with yourself and those closest is the best advice I can offer. My Darkest Journal continues so let’s see if Inside My Mind can actually find a happy or happier ending or is the end product the beginning of the rest of my life???
By,
Lee David Wright

You are Not Alone, Shout, let it out….. By L D Wright

You are Not Alone, Shout, let it out…..

Depression, Anxiety you visious, ugly Demons. Why have you attacked the very heart of me and those around us.
Settled in our head space, confused our every step, left us wondering aimlessly, second guessing everything.
How did you make us feel so sad, so worthless, so much so I started to think about ending it. Why does this silence continue yet it still allows the smiles to be witnessed.
This sickness should turn your skin red, atleast you’d standout, feel a little less invisible, allow people to see your struggling, unable to address it because you can’t admit anything.
All that time you struggle to just get through the day, saying yes to everything, everyone, every day but finding excuses to be a no show so you didn’t have to say the word.
It’s a battle that attacks you endlessly, locks yourself in your own nightmare. Fights at every positive moment, brings you down to a negative level, leaves you there whilst your demons laughing.
I was a lost, trapped, tortured soul and all it did was stand there and smiled, even held my hand, pretends to be a friend. The warning signs, the red flags, the words we read that escaped our empty voice. The silent screams, the quietest cries for help, the weakness it produces no matter how strong we think we are.
A silent, deadly, assassin with an appetite for total destruction, a one way ticket into oblivion. A grip so savage it never let’s go, only if your lucky do you get a second chance to claw your way out.
You can achieve all your impossibilities by laughing back at these demons, talk about your issues, don’t hold it all inside, it’s stronger than you’ll ever realise so take a moment, take a breath and for heavens sake shout out loud that you need help.
Keep out of the darkness, don’t stay in the shadows, sidestep and stand in the sunlight.
Write whatever you can’t say, let whoever read your words until they start listening. It’s your mind, its YOU who’s struggling, suffering. With help you’ve got this, your hardest, cruelest journey, focus, be honest, and you will achieve a better life without your demons ownership.
Don’t quit, don’t live with it, stand up and own it, you need help not because your broken, your only human. Helps just around the corner. Run towards it before it drags you in a totally opposite direction.
We aren’t here to be prisoners, life’s for living, live it. If you can help, give it, if you’ve been there, share it. Help, it’s that simple. Support a friend, support a stranger, one day it might be You reaching out so pay it forward. Shine a light on those trapped inside their own darkness.

Help someone today, SHOUT if you yourself needs that help, this journey is too short to live it in the dark, shine, let it out.
By,
Lee David Wright

Conclusion, every story needs one by L D Wright

So after writing my My Darkest Journal I wanted to write a conclusion of some kind. I have and all the poems, well the titles wrote a piece I’m kinda proud of because they all paint some kind of picture that I didn’t see forming. Would you like to read it, it’s a powerful piece of truth and positivity. I’d like to thank you for being part of this journey, my story, one that almost took me to a place I almost ended everything. Hold in there, Ask for the Help, you can do this.


I kinda thought I was a lost cause, dragged my shit around until I’d had enough and thought you know what, fk this and I just let go. I felt the weight pulling me into pieces that rearranged a picture, forming a different image I wasn’t seeing.

Slowly, stealth like, camouflaged out of mine, your sight. Crept in, silent, tippy toed, waited, rested and moved in without telling me. Like a disease it spread infection until it slept in my head. It became part of me, that sad, dark part, I started hearing it in my voice when I spoke. Felt it clench my fists, like an angrier version of the person who is Me.

It spoke to me in nightmares whilst I was wide awake, I kept ignoring it until it made my mind shake. I became that demon despite still being Me to you and my heart was finally beating beats to a totally different tune. All of a sudden I think my soul started shouting, this resident that squatted inside me was no longer welcome. It started grabbing words from inside me, made me write them like my soul was crying. Words poured, feelings grew, storm clouds gathered as the demon realised it was now locked in battle and I wasn’t going too give in lightly.

This darkness that tried to settle, whatever it was it was there without good intentions. Like a possession I started silently screaming, if I hadn’t it would have surely beat me. A powerful force you just can’t see, one that infects all the best parts of you.

A scarey place that enables you to live for a while amongst the chaotic, confused thoughts. Brings back the ghosts you’d learnt to live without. A blanket that covers you and let’s the sadness wrap its grip tightly whilst you slip without notice.

A Stronger Version of Yesterday’s past, the one that climbs the Unobtainable Peaks , sidesteps the pitfalls, writes your Darkest Journal in Invisible Segments until you realise you didn’t give into this Hell on Earth, you powered through this Roller Coaster , The Journey . Underneath it all you coped somehow with Yesterday’s Feelings and your darkness was Replaced by Sunsets. A Scarey Brilliant Sadness that fell into my Darkest Journal. I’ve learnt I can deal with anything even mend the Missing Pieces. This Sad World we live in, the Ghosts of Yesterdays Past, you Learn how to use it. Even when the Bullets land on your door step. The Dark Tones that try Shackle You , their Aims that hit but fall when you sidestep it all. You’ve got to Carry On , Carry the Love, A stronger Version even When Your Eyes Closed. When you wash your Demons in Sunlight it’s then your demons have left and you look back with a smile on your face.

By,

Lee David Wright

A little rest is needed…..

If you’re looking into my words you’ll have recognised I’ve been through a lot of pain, my life has been a battle of depression. I fell into my writing and relived the past ordeals in high definition to a point I was back to the screams of yesterdays. If I’m honest it’s been a cry for help. I don’t talk enough about how I’m truly actually feeling. I write about my past, my issues and if you’ve read all my blog you’ll understand how much pain I’ve carried around. My blog isn’t that old but the words are me over the last twenty plus years, some going back towards my days of a three year old. Diving back into my mind brought me face to face with a few demons that didn’t play nicely. My words became the dark side of my Darkest Journal. It pains me to admit it but if I hadn’t have written the way I have and managed to paint the pictures of hell that poured out of my mind then today you would never have seen or read anything of me, my life, I went so dark that I contemplated Suicide. The thoughts where only brief but gathering around me. I knew had I not wrote to show how much of a shit storm I was being dragged around in I would have ended my life or at least tried to. It’s a sad state of affairs when my head was rattling chains so fierce yet I was still to afraid to admit it to anyone, even those closest to me.

I’m looking into the future with hope and strength to work on myself a little harder. I’ve got a good track record to help me beat this so I’m fairly confident. My writing for a short time may dwindle whilst I take stock of the shadows and puzzles Ive brought back to life. I might even try writing about something completely different, who knows but to whoever is reading this right now, please if you’re in any kind of situation that you need help then please let someone know, a friend, a partner,your family your doctor, you owe it yourself to seek help before you can’t get out of the shadows that may/will start to surround you.

I hope the yesterday’s we’ve all been through take you into tomorrow’s with a positive, happier outcome. Remember asking for HELP is not a weakness, if you need it that’s enough, if you can’t talk, write it but DO NOT HIDE it away because it will become more powerful than you’ll ever realise. If my words help atleast one person out there then I can smile a whole heap more. I needed to write to acknowledge I myself needed to take steps in the right direction and it led me here. Time to take a short break and breath a little. Keep safe everyone and be true to yourself.

Thanks,

Lee

P.s it does not matter what life deals you, it’s all about how you yourself deals with life. You are not alone and you have the safety of your own voice, use it and you can achieve any impossible task. Whatever your background, your status, rich, poor, race, religion life can fill you with nightmares or glorious sunsets. You can be whatever you want to be just breath, you can do this. Don’t fear your past just look towards the now, the future and you will be in a better place. Talk about your issues, please help those who suffer, be true, being nice, positive and helpful will create a healthy brilliance that will infect those and yourself around you. Be patient, be humble, we are all human, we all need help. Be a better you. It’s that easy.

Stronger Version of Yesterday’s Past….. By L D Wright

Stronger Version of Yesterday’s Past…..

I write like I’ve never been fed, these words are raw but that’s the life that I’ve lived, now it’s time to dish out these feelings, I’m not being harsh but it’s all been part of me. It’s all about my past and how those demons wrenched my heart out. They didn’t play nicely, took me to the limits, in fact I’m surprised I’m still here.

I coped with accidents that lost my digits, broken bones, life’s incidents, now half blind through the actions of a certain individual but I never imagined that life could leave you to witness, sinister nightmares and let you live with it. I’m not naive, I understand everyone has their own fights but I see people who break what they take for granted, I held onto everything but it still wasn’t enough, before I knew it life had called my bluff and took all I cared for, left me with 3 massive huge scars and then some.

I’m a father without his kids, they’d all be in their twenties now and all I see is images of babies,the only version I have to hold onto to, Can’t get that out of my head. Some ask, well skirt around, no wonder I have a certain look. Eyes not closed but kind of. I see the families ranting, arguing, falling out over trivial matters, try living a life when they’re no longer around. It’ll bring you down whilst your world starts crashing. I still hold the happiest moments from the smiles they gave me but I also gained a fault when they went away and left me. Gaining wings isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.

Nothing nobody could ever say could fix this kind of problem, a situation without a solution to resolve it. Just for five minutes, step into my shoes. Look at the memories you’ve been lucky enough to have lived with, the smiles you gained. Scan through your albums, think about all the great times. You’ve now got an image of years of smiles, imagine all those epic adventures just got up and left you, It never happened, try explaining that and how it feels to you.

Think of that void and what you’d do with all that time. Thinking about maybe and if onlys, all your dreams become broken. Hard to forget the best times life freely offered, even harder to think it never happened. Let alone to cope with the inevitable when that actually develops into a burden you now have to carry around inside of you.

No wonder I can’t believe I’m 48, I’ve been living in the past with my memories. Hardships definitely are what they say, life’s scars truly do cut deep. Gripped hold of me and the torture never let go as it cripples me. I see the tears of everybody’s demons, I’m still humbled by those less fortunate, the horrors caused by morons who typically just don’t care. Life’s atrocities, murders, critical illness that seems to surround us, mental health issues and the stigma attached by those who don’t understand it or too false to find out.

My depression left a life long impression but it also left a journal I’m now writing and guess what I’m still kinda smiling. We’ve all got storm clouds that grow black and clash together, I’m just part of it and I’m trying to convince myself to come to terms with some sort of normality. Suppose I’ve got to work on it. Twenty plus years and I’m finally touching base, holding on without losing it. I’m a Stronger Version of Yesterday’s Past and with a little more work, I’ve got this.


By,
L D Wright

Life’s a personal diary….. By L D Wright

Lifes a personal diary…..

I’ve added pieces to my puzzle, rearranged a few more than a couple. Scratched my head in pure confusion when those edges didn’t fit completely.

Flipped the board in anger when my attitude didn’t like the answer, dangerous attempts to change life’s attention when it all came crashing around me.

Dissappeared into shadows when life didn’t work out how I’d hoped for. Lost myself in the chaos whilst the crazy mess mixed with the madness. Not a great mixture to be a part of but it made me the man who today writes the words your now reading.

I’ve been quiet for a large portion of my life, open my mouth and the words just don’t find their way out. Give me a pen, a notebook, I’ll write until the day ends, pick it back up the day after, carry on with the feelings I now file into my journal.

Somebody reads the words that flow out of me, wow that’s a great written story, they don’t realise they’ve actually just read a part of my very own personal diary. It’s all about me, the issues, the upset, depression and the nightmares that are me.

I’d be a rich man had I received royalties for every time people asked how I was feeling, my answer, yeah I’m fine thanks, unable to answer for fear of totally ending a conversation before it even gets started.

Hard to apologise for questions asked unable to find words that relate to me and how I’m feeling. Easier too shrug those shoulders, ask them the same question whilst smiling just to deviate a reply I don’t know how to answer.

Life’s misery, the sad moments, all come rushing. I might be screaming inside but I’ll still smile right at you and say, “I’m fine”. Life’s lessons broke me into so many different pieces, my job was to rearrange the shards into a more meaningful, manageable picture. Rather that than relive the actual full length feature.

I have fell further than I ever imagined, walked back out, brushed it off, smiled, carried on. I’m not superman, I haven’t got powers but I’m the one who didn’t let life beat me like it tried to, it danced around, savagely tried to make me buckle, it didn’t try hard enough because I’m still searching for that better version. Maybe I taught life a lesson,I didn’t shout but it certainly heard me.

The mind, the heart, the soul, thoughts, pain, smiles, upset, frowns, the journey, its all part of real true story, those moments,the sorrows, the glory. Whatever we go through, it’s all about you, me, them, us, a huge massive adventure we’re all part of.

If everyone’s story began and ended the same, well that would be kind of lame and well such a shame. Take part in this story, one day look back, relive the memories and if you catch yourself smiling well I hope I smiled back right at that moment.

By,
Lee David Wright

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