Was a year I don’t ever want to visit ever again, most of it was one I felt like my walls were closing in on me. I’d awoken so many demons that what had come and gone quickly spiralled around me and almost dragged me into the whirlwind of depression, sad memories, thoughts. These thoughts weren’t normal nor welcoming yet they had silently sneaked into my dailies. Before I knew any different my thoughts had me in self destruct mode, a dangerous place that rarely takes prisoners willing to claw back out. It’s a scarey place that covers you like stepping into a puddle only to realise you have just fell into a much deeper, darker depth. It’s about now you better start praying because your going to need all the strength you can muster.
Last year I made so many stupid mistakes, gave things I enjoy a wide birth, even tested my most personal of relationships to a point I almost became single. Depression, stupidity is by no way a good mix, if those two words where served up on a menu then believe me I’m not eating from that restaurant ever again,
I’ve had my fill. From now on I’m eating a more invigorating ingredient. The recipe filling mixed with love, trust, honesty, quality talking, meaningful mindfulness, respect, yes I think that will be my favourite dish. I’ve had my full share of the doom and gloom I’d scoffed down so I’m detoxifying and going forward with a new positive attitude.
I’ve had my fill of physical pain, yes that hurt but it also fades but the psychological pain that stays, becomes lodged, hard to forget what comes from the heart, well it’s about time I put those feelings to bed, I’ll never truly forget my loss, battles, feelings but I’m about to just let them go. I’ve become sick of letting them allow me to feel guilty, bad thoughts, Sadness , downhearted. It’s out of my control and I’m unable to change any outcome that came, what happened however painful, sorrowful, wherever it took me, tried to drag me, end me. I’m on a new direction away from that dark side I’d spent so much time with.
Yes I’d give anything to still have my children, Katie, Brandon and Kirsty I will always miss you, I will always want you to be near me physically but that wasn’t to be and I’m not ready to join you just yet. I will one day hold your hands again but I will always feel that love.♥️ True love lasts forever, a fathers love for his children can never die so a little bit of you will travel with me every day of my life.
So 2019 even though I don’t want to revisit you again I have to say thank you for the reality check, the reminder, the warning signs. Thanks for the slap in the face, God knows I needed it.
My past didn’t really start getting addressed correctly until last year so finally my mask has now been taken off, scrunched up and thrown directly into the rubbish bin.
There is one person who I dragged through my turmoil, who didn’t get off my roller coaster and stuck with me through thick and thin. She deserves a medal for actually having the guts and the love to stay with me, Angela, Thank You for doing so and for riding out this storm I rained down from aswell as still having the strength to be a mum, nana, friend and student aswell as running a cafe. I’m proud of your ability to go back to study and now look at you, studying at a Masters degree level. PMA all the way. Believe me, You’ve got this.
I’m actually feeling a lot more relaxed and it’s only February so making my way towards therapy definitely has worked wonders, early days but more importantly definitely more positive, stronger and my smile, the true one is finally coming back. Ok so the aches and pains of a 49 year old steel worker may not subside so easily but I’ll still be wrestling with my alarm at 6.30am, getting my butt out of bed and making my way to work but that’s just life.
I still have those who care and show me love,
I still have my interests and I can still write my blog which as been a great escape or atleast a realisation that i needed help in the first place so thanks for the follows and likes so far, comments about my writing are always welcome and if I can ever help in whatever way possible then let me know.
So a little late but, “Happy New Year” May all your new journeys find you smiling or atleast find a positive energy to deal with anything.
So 2019 I’ve put a line under you, the future well let’s see, the outlook is definitely brighter.
Lee David Wright