So last week I wrote a piece called 5-2-Life. I’m still not completely sure where it came from, I’ve never been to prison yet I continued to write, edit, think, publish.
I suppose over the last twenty years plus I’ve locked myself in my own cell. Of course I was able to go about my daily duties, work, family, home, I must admit I didn’t put 100%into either so I suppose it eventually unravels towards your very own yellowbbrick road and it’s there you’ll realise your lacks and needs. I said last year I’ve felt like I’ve served my very own sentence,locked in the confides of my mind, past and present, losing my children sent me to places I wouldn’t wish on anybody. Hell really can be a place on earth. So I suggest a person can infact spend a huge portion of their life locked in their own prison, this being their past.
I’ve read some literature about the world being a prison, after all 99.99% of us will never leave this spinning globe we call earth until we sadly close our eyes and our minds just drift into the echoes of someone else’s thoughts.
I have always wanted to write, my blog started it’s journey last March, I hadn’t really started writing until around October 2018 but 50+blog entries later I’m still writing. To those who have read my blog then you’ll have witnessed me at some of my lowest points. I started through writing my past issues, feelings of loss, anxiety and depression. It was almost like a cry for help, as my blog became my personal therapist I began to relive my past so much so that my depression fell into freefall, I was living with my past firmly gripping, upset, anger, frustration seem to erupt. I started the blog as a beacon to others only to realise I desperately needed to say OK enough is enough, I need help. Now I have broke down to those closest to me at times especially when dates are looming but other than that I have to admit I just kept my feelings bundled up inside my mind, a torturous process I urge none of us to try. The words that poured out into my blog attempts were infact how I’d felt not only during some of my hardest times but in the cold light of day how I was still feeling and living with. It’s just so easy to say yeah I’m OK, probably easier because you just can’t say well actually no I’m really stressed and struggling with something that happened over twenty plus years ago. I think the pain and upset was just to much to admit, even to myself let alone a second person.
Towards the end of 2019 I sought the help I’m hoping will actually help me. I’m currently opening up to a counsellor, my second visit being today so early days but atleast I’m allowing myself to work on Me. Yes I was, am apprehensive, a little hesitant but I’m just going to answer the questions asked, honestly, calmly and hopefully the outcome is a more productive and positive one.
It’s like having a book sat on its shelf and never turning the pages, who knows what journey those words will send you to, if we don’t help ourselves then we can’t expect others to. We are only human so please except from time to time we are going to need guidance. It’s not a weakness to ask for help.
I often hear people’s views, sad to say I also have ignorantly said on occasion, oh you’ll be ok, brushed it off and not truly listened. It’s a shame we sometimes don’t have the readly needed assurances or answers or even the lack of knowledge to support others.
Over the past three years I have lost three family members, found out my father has been diagnosed with Parkinsons disease, undergone a hernia operation and brought back some demons that literally did not help matters at all, you could say I’ve had a lot to deal with but I’m not dealing with my father’s illness in the we he himself is, I know he’s not going to wake up tomorrow miraculously cured and that hurts me, I often wonder what he’s actually feeling deep down inside. Is he now feeling as lost as I have also felt with this illness now determining his fate. We all have a constant line of issues. We all need to address and admit them. I was so unwilling to share mine but I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m worth more than a personal prison cell and I’m hoping that by letting my words and thoughts out not only do I help myself but I also tick someone else’s boxes and they, you also find what you need to do. There you go I’m prompting you to seek any help you need. Unfortunately I don’t possess the necessary skills to free you from whatever binds you but I do hope you take whatever steps you need to get to where you want to be.
It’s a simple process of firstly admitting you need help, secondly picking up a phone and calling your G.P or do what I did and find local help through a counsellor. If you find yourself writing or continuously thinking something is wrong then more often than not it usually is so do myself and yourself a favour and go start the ball rolling, you never know it could change your life. It’s definitely a step in the right direction.