My Journal Continues…..
It’s been a while since I last wrote but I’ve been in a battle of thoughts, I’ve lived through my nightmares I brought back to life and well tried so hard to deal or at least come to terms with the realisation that I needed to shout out louder and own up to the fact I genuinely needed help.
So when I started writing my blog I thought I could handle the truth, not just the basics but the blood, guts and nightmares my life had thrown at me.
Not only did my blog send me to the Darkest days I’d witnessed, relive the saddest ordeals but it actually dragged me to the lowest point of my life. The lowest being threatened by my very own thoughts, so scary I’d contemplated suicide. It was at this point I’d realised my blog was actually my very own scream for help. Various social media sites found a scary documented realisation that I was facing some very bad times. I completely thought I had a grip on my 20 + years of depression. Little did I know just how far I was off the mark.
My writing had created a demon that must have tagged along on my journey, my ability to say I was OK not only took people’s worries away but it also stopped my head from delving so much deeper than I needed or wanted to go. Living with my torment was easier to try and forget even though I usually, totally never did. I’d go to work thinking about my children, wake up, fall asleep thinking about them. Laugh and still feel the pain inside. Felt guilty about any smile, envy any parents. Look at that family love you only receive from your children and feel the pain fill my heart. All those moments you take for granted I felt rip my heart out because I knew I would never realise just how that feeling truly really felt.
I’m actually really glad I wrote about my past, my nightmares, my demons because if I had not, maybe right now I’d have not been able to.
The threat of suicide that comes out of the shadows really does sneak upon you. It wraps itself so stealth like you don’t feel its approach. You only realise when, one it’s either too late or when someone picks up on the sadness that’s spilling through you. All I can say is, please do not keep your nightmares locked inside your mind. They will grow, they will become powerful and they will beat even the strongest of minds.
On a plus side I’m now starting my next journey, I’ve entered into an agreement with a Counselling service that have agreed to counsel me. I don’t know how long this part of my story is going to take but I’m confident that the process can only generate a good outcome. Being honest with yourself and those closest is the best advice I can offer. My Darkest Journal continues so let’s see if Inside My Mind can actually find a happy or happier ending or is the end product the beginning of the rest of my life???
Lee David Wright