Stronger Version of Yesterday’s Past…..
I write like I’ve never been fed, these words are raw but that’s the life that I’ve lived, now it’s time to dish out these feelings, I’m not being harsh but it’s all been part of me. It’s all about my past and how those demons wrenched my heart out. They didn’t play nicely, took me to the limits, in fact I’m surprised I’m still here.
I coped with accidents that lost my digits, broken bones, life’s incidents, now half blind through the actions of a certain individual but I never imagined that life could leave you to witness, sinister nightmares and let you live with it. I’m not naive, I understand everyone has their own fights but I see people who break what they take for granted, I held onto everything but it still wasn’t enough, before I knew it life had called my bluff and took all I cared for, left me with 3 massive huge scars and then some.
I’m a father without his kids, they’d all be in their twenties now and all I see is images of babies,the only version I have to hold onto to, Can’t get that out of my head. Some ask, well skirt around, no wonder I have a certain look. Eyes not closed but kind of. I see the families ranting, arguing, falling out over trivial matters, try living a life when they’re no longer around. It’ll bring you down whilst your world starts crashing. I still hold the happiest moments from the smiles they gave me but I also gained a fault when they went away and left me. Gaining wings isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.
Nothing nobody could ever say could fix this kind of problem, a situation without a solution to resolve it. Just for five minutes, step into my shoes. Look at the memories you’ve been lucky enough to have lived with, the smiles you gained. Scan through your albums, think about all the great times. You’ve now got an image of years of smiles, imagine all those epic adventures just got up and left you, It never happened, try explaining that and how it feels to you.
Think of that void and what you’d do with all that time. Thinking about maybe and if onlys, all your dreams become broken. Hard to forget the best times life freely offered, even harder to think it never happened. Let alone to cope with the inevitable when that actually develops into a burden you now have to carry around inside of you.
No wonder I can’t believe I’m 48, I’ve been living in the past with my memories. Hardships definitely are what they say, life’s scars truly do cut deep. Gripped hold of me and the torture never let go as it cripples me. I see the tears of everybody’s demons, I’m still humbled by those less fortunate, the horrors caused by morons who typically just don’t care. Life’s atrocities, murders, critical illness that seems to surround us, mental health issues and the stigma attached by those who don’t understand it or too false to find out.
My depression left a life long impression but it also left a journal I’m now writing and guess what I’m still kinda smiling. We’ve all got storm clouds that grow black and clash together, I’m just part of it and I’m trying to convince myself to come to terms with some sort of normality. Suppose I’ve got to work on it. Twenty plus years and I’m finally touching base, holding on without losing it. I’m a Stronger Version of Yesterday’s Past and with a little more work, I’ve got this.
L D Wright