I Didn’t give in…..
No matter where you go you’ll find yourself one day. Some roads I’ve walked, I’ve enjoyed the view, some others felt like a car crash as the horror spilt out and the agony collided through.
Some made me smile, others cry out loud, the tears I never wanted fell down. The lefts and rights, the judgement calls, the totally wrong turns, the dead ends and the never ending roundabouts but the scenic ones, the ones I wish I’d chose.
Life never runs the way we expect, always throws something with devastating effect, leaves you to reflect on the impact. The times I’ve stopped to take in the scenery and the times I wish I hadn’t bothered waking.
The ones that flash through thoughts, visit at night whilst helpless, caught in the dream you simply can’t wake until it all gets too much and the startled shock breaks.
Your journey is a forever changing challenge, one that steals the smiles or one the frowns turn the right way round for. Every single situation, some similar but a different variation.
You think yeah I’ve got this then all of a sudden your battling your demons and smiles melt rearranging your face again. Having the confidence to walk right through it no matter how much it’s hurting.
Life goes on, all routes head to where you are now, look back when times bark their orders look forward to seeing the positive future version, the one that beat this and didn’t let the thoughts break you.
Whatever happened you still started smiling, might have took a while but time taught you. Certain incidents hold you down others set you free from changing dark colours of your mind like different seasons you thought you’d never see.
The darkness that covered, hid in the shadows, the painful moments that sat with you as it bled out. Remember the life that left right in front of me, limp joints, silence screaming at you.
The noise dissappears, all you hear is your heart beat, feel blood boil to the surface, the feeling of fresh air floating around you, must have been your spirit saying goodbye before you left me. Head locked in the dark journal unable to function. Missing your every moment that cruely left me dealing with the torment.
Rock bottom just got deeper as you sink to lower levels, clawing back out just digs you further, trapped in the silent nightmares as life’s avalanche takes you, flung around, falling, not stopping but gathering speed, destroying what you took for granted, leaving you helpless, grasping for answers.
Unable to help yourself, totally lost in the confusion, wishing what you just witnessed was some sick sad illusion. Reality shocks you into believing whilst showing how much your hearts breaking.
The journey we travelled, times we unravel, followed lines that don’t run parallel, confused which way I turn next, best way just go forward, battle through the chaos of this crazy circus.
The visions whirling, creating scenes you can’t help seeing. The drum keeps banging the beats that throw out your timing, leaves you hanging out with endless supply of old enemies, somethings wrong with this picture, no longer HD as the images flicker.
Caught in the headlights, unable to move, facing yesterdays fears. Holding on until this madness let’s go. Saving yourself from the past ordeals, years of tears that impact your mental memory, living with this illness, learning how to deal the deck when your best cards didn’t appear.
Lessons learnt the hard way. Pushing the boundaries, breaking the binds no matter how hard it all became. Rebuilding your own life when it all collapsed, fell all around you, covered by the grief when it all went so dark inside.
Remembering to smile again, freeing yourself, standing up, walking back towards something that resembles a more positive attitude, doing it all no matter what came before it.
Shadows grow but so does the sun, shines a new day of times not yet felt but one’s you can achieve any impossibility once you’ve cast out your demons or learnt to walk with them.
Don’t hold your breath but work on your breathing, you’ll need to take rest and conserve the energy. You’ve got this, your still here, that in itself proves your a winner. Fight yourself out any dark corner, live in the light like your suppose to.
Life can be short so cram all you can in. Look back and pick all the times life caught you smiling, life’s scars are just tests you took part in. Memories that became part of your past you belong to, the you that stood and took the fight on the chin, you didn’t lose, you chose to win.
A part of your journey that you decided this is my life and I’ll decide to rewind to all of my best parts, I’ll turn the next page and walk into this story and I’ll do it whilst smiling because I’ve already got this.
Lee David Wright