My Darkest Journal….
Locked in the dark journal unable to turn the pages, the marble block closes my routes towards you. Storm clouds form inside my mind as I wait but it’s playing games with my deepest thoughts.
Disconnected unable to think, getting no cure as this curse constantly tortures. My world becomes shattered and falls around me, not the same living without you.
I keep trying to turn those stubborn stuck pages but the demons tapping and I feel its rage completely surround me.
The anger pushes my horns back out as I once again scream out your names. The monster takes control as I battle both my heart and soul, I’ve lost the will, without you I’m too far gone. Crazy thoughts, spiralling out of control as the ones I love just borrowed time, one none at all.
Uncertain and beaten as it drags me once more and still I can’t turn the pages, they’re stuck like broken behaviours. Head full of foggy useless if onlys , all I want is to feel you all around me.
Do I even know myself right now, dread the realization of what I’ve become, can I cope, I don’t think I can but I do kicking and screaming at this never ending demon. Doubts creeping but now they’ve attacked and this demon isn’t for leaving, he’s right inside my mind.
The nightmare scenario of being a father without you is crucifying my deepest scars, the silence slices, the nothing nails me harder than steel, left alone with the my most important pieces missing.
The rage breaks me as the demon forms and I no longer feel the pain but life feeds on the sorrow, the reflection of a dark horned monster starring back from the mirror, now become the roars that I’ve feared.
I look at the page and it’s turned by itself to a picture of me in my own personal hell. I think about who I once was but now that resembles the love that I’ve lost.
Alone in a place I don’t recognise, without you the sun doesn’t shine.
I’m in the realms of my demons sorrow, visious circles with no escape ever. My bulletproof exterior has cracked beneath the pressure. My thoughts bleeding as I claw at the monsters reflection.
Overwhelmed I submit to the darkness, Crazed, enraged my demons now loose of its dwellings.
Lightning strikes, lights my dark devilish eyes, growls in anger as I look at the page and see the next chapter slowly appear.
This journal starts writing all by itself as the demon smashes the walls until the bricks become loose, the cracks appear, I’m afraid as the air becomes scent, I already know I’m not going to find the love that I’ve lost.
This impact on my life as struck once, twice, three times and without you all around I’m playing the cruelest waiting game. I’ve lost so much along the way but nothing compares to this savage pain.
Breaks me to my very core, hardest void I’ve ever felt, no escape, no climbing out, I just wait and live without.
It’s hard to let go, in fact it’s impossible. Once wrapped around your heartstrings you’ll feel an infinity of sad tones.
The memories implode into your soul, explode during every waking hour and just when the madness stops in creep the feelings you’ve given up trying to live without and it all plays out like a never ending record.
Never let’s go, never leaves you alone and the second you forget, well it’s there before you even blink. The deepest saddest thought that’s hooked directly to your heart, like something wedged that no longer fits creating tears that fall from the cracks.
These feelings tag you to everything, wherever you are, whatever you do, smile for a second then instantly blue.
Heartbreak is a never ending healing process that visits you without protest, nothing but sadness to open old wounds but its forever mentally disabiltating issues remind you.
Years pass, the thoughts no less, torturing run ups that never pass, one more year as bad as the last. A recurring nightmare that haunts your entire existence, moves in and lives right alongside you.
Walking into every new day with a thought like a curse of what you wanted in life just wasn’t to be and this sick twisted memory would follow your every single step only stopping when you yourself left.
Lee David Wright