Hi there, to anyone reading this, if you have any questions on anything either in my story or my blogs then please feel free to add a comment.
I’m Lee David Wright.
I’m 48 years old,, I live in the UK in a small town called Blackburn. Im a family man and stepfather to 3 kids, all grown up around me over the last 10 years plus.
I was married previously, whilst married we had 3 children, sadly they all passed away and we eventually separated. I draw most of my sadness from my experiences of fatherhood.
I am now a grandad to Ava, a beautiful little 14month princess who I adore.
I work in the steel industry, I have all my life, at 17 I had a serious accident where I amputated the fingers of my right hand, they were saved apart from one but I struggle daily because of this accident.
Doesn’t stop me trying my best though, last year I became a blackbelt in Shotokan Karate so it’s a great achievement to myself. I’m also blind in my right eye after being attacked very close to my home, this led to my interest in karate, I practice 3 nights a week and compete with British and European champions.
I try so hard to not let my past beat me, I’ve learnt so much about myself through not giving up and going forward and through obstacles that life has thrown my way. My partner Angela is a constant support that pushes me and herself.
If I’m not working, training I’m out walking and taking pictures, I love taking a good pic and making it beautiful. I suppose that’s how I portray life. Even when it’s raining I know the sun will eventually shine. I’ve struggled with Depression and Anxiety, for so long I’d just say yeah I’m OK and only until very recently have I touched on my issues, my writing runs alongside my issues, my personal pitfalls and experiences. Some sad, dark but honest. I treat my writing as my personal therapist so letting my thoughts out in words releases my inner demons and actually settles my personal head space……..
Although I have people around, certain friends I can rely on I do at times feel alone. Suppose that feeling started way back in my very young years.
I remember my mum once stood at the front door, she was arguing with a man and I still remember being pulled by both my mum and this stranger. This episode played on my mind for years. I then remember mum getting married but could never recall the person she was marrying, turns out it was my stepdad who quickly adopted me but I would be 16 before this was firmly imprinted into my mind. I’d always thought there was something I needed to know, that feeling that knaws away at you. Growing up I had a sister and two younger brothers.
We all get along and have a great respect and love for each other but my relationship with my parents was always up and down, a lot of downs. I tended to sleep over at my Grans , I loved that lady and felt more at home with her than I ever did. anywhere else. My first years were spent living at her home so our bond was created from day one, well kind of. My gran had
12 children, two of whom were twins who sadly passed away. She was married to an alcoholic who turned her life upside down many times. I still had a good relationship with grandad but there are a lot of blank spaces with him in and out of our lives. I would have had a few choice words today, On finding out mum was pregnant he kicked her out of the family home, not sure if I was born by this time but I did suffer from Pneumonia as an infant and this led to mum being allowed home.
I could have gone many different ways growing up. My uncles were always getting into trouble with the police and most of them were dealt with by the court system and spent time either at detention centres or later in life prison. I came close on a few occasions but managed by the skin of my teeth to keep far enough away from that life.
It was just before leaving school that I learnt my lifelong darkest secret was an actual true story. My first being the tug of war, the 2nd being my cousin stating my dad wasn’t my dad many years ago when I was about 5,things like that kind of stick with you and then whilst walking another cousin back home. We were walking past an estate when I heard the words, I remember when your dad lived there, confused thoughts rushed through my head. My lifelong doubts finally came to life. I knew my dad’s address from childhood and until becoming my mums husband had all stemmed from a house not too far from where we were but never had he lived there where she adamantly stated. From that conversation I knew my life and family had hidden my entire true existence or atleast the very start of it.
Through my cousin I learnt my biological father’s wereabouts and I arranged a meeting, this took about a year to make possible but I’d finally be introduced to someone I should have known all my life. On our first meeting I was introduced to my father firstly and his then wife, to my shock I had four unfamiliar faces looking at me, they being my four half-brothers. One who actually shares my name Lee David, obviously our surnames different but the fact he shared my name slapped me hard and left me scratching my head to this very day. I wrote a poem that is very personal and I’ll post that soon but I’ll go into my introduction a little first. Just to add the poem is brutal, too the point and the most honest opinion, statement I’ve ever made, I still shudder on reading it.
T. B. C
So we eventually swap phone numbers and I make a point, well two really. I’d be the one too ring to make further plans and secondly if any contact was made, say seeing my parents out shopping or out drinking at the weekend then our meetings for now would not be mentioned. I felt very aware that my parents would go crazy had they known I’d made contact, after all they hadn’t ever brought my past up, never uttered a single word of my hidden past. I felt trapped by their secret and did not know what my next move would be to approach this dark secret. So we had a couple of meetings where we would meet up for drinks, I was only 17 but easily managed to pass for older so meeting at a local pub wasn’t a problem for me. I felt a bit of a rebel meeting up with him but also very conscious I was going behind my parents backs but I needed to know who this guy was, every child should know their biological father, whatever the circumstances. On our few get togethers I’d talk to my younger half brothers, their reaction was a positive one, they all seemed happy to have an older brother to get to know.
One Sunday afternoon I arrived back home, dad was upstairs, mum seemed off with me. I remember one of the first sentences was your dad’s upstairs and he’s upset. I asked why, simply Lee you’ve seen him haven’t you, I knew straight away who she was referring to. I was shocked and nervous. I hadn’t intentionally meant to deceive them but here I was. My first conversation with my mum about my biological father and straight away it was a confrontation. I felt my thoughts fly towards my two rules and promises I’d asked him to keep. I felt let down instantly, my trust I’d asked for ruined in a matter of a couple of weeks.
Turns out my parents where out for drinks in Darwen, its the next town to Blackburn. On their return home they got a taxi and would you believe it, my biological dad (b-d) was the bloody taxi driver. The journey back home would take 10 minutes max, in that time he managed to break my trust completely.
I told mum that the guy upstairs was the man I classed as my dad, he’d been the one there for me all my life, we had our differences, I didn’t like his strict ways and I hated his punishment but he had been the father figure and amongst all the chaos I was now feeling sorry for him. I told mum there and then that I would only see my b-d one more time and that I’d be letting my feelings and upset out, she went upstairs to let dad know what had been said. She came down and said dad actually cried on hearing what I’d said. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him cry before but he did that afternoon.
The following week I rang b-d to arrange a meet up, he sounded hesitant but agreed to meet me at a pub called The Coconut Grove, I said I’d see him at 7pm that evening. I could feel my rage and anger rise has the day went on, I’d only waited 17 years to meet him and within 2 weeks he’d let me down, not kept his word and smashed any trust I’d held.
So 7pm finally arrived, in I went and before he’d had chance to say hi or offer me a drink I let my voice out and ranted about how he’d let me down so easily. I stated that I’d waited for 17 years to meet my b-d and it took him less than a fortnight to shut me down and wreck our chances of any relationship. He blurted out that he could not help himself and my reply was if it was so easy to break my confidence, why was is so impossible for him to make contact a hell of a lot sooner in life. I don’t think I let him answer. I just said I no longer wanted any part of him in my life, I turned my back and walked out on him. The door slammed behind me and for me that was the end of it.
I did see him once more by accident a few years later whilst I was in a doctors surgery, I noticed him straight away but he wouldn’t make eye contact. He was leaving the surgery when I felt an urge, he wasn’t even going to say hi, bye or even look at me. I rushed outside to grab any kind of reply from him. Do you know who I am I shouted angrily, yes of course I do Lee, I just didn’t know what to say. I replied with well a sorry wouldn’t go a miss but no you’d rather just walk out without a word. Yet again I felt myself turn away and just walked off back into the surgery. I felt so much resentment and anger that day that I decided whatever the future had in store he would never be a part of it.
Years went by and I stood by my word. I did strike up relationships with my half brothers but I kept them at arms length. Our lives had been ruined by the dark secret my family had kept from me and the lack of keeping yet another secret all those years back had nailed that coffin firmly shut.
One night I received a phone call, my b-d was seriously ill and I’d been asked to go see him. It played with my emotions for a couple of weeks but finally I decided I’d go burie any axes we had from the past. Within a day or so of me deciding this I received another phone call, my biological father had passed away. He’d suffered a massive heart attack and died alone. He passed away less 10 minutes walk away from my home. I battled with guilt and upset over him passing away even though I never really knew him. If only my parents had chosen a different path our lives may have been so different, no good whatsoever came from this dark secret. I never got to find out why he didn’t fight for me, why he thought best to just leave me and stay away and why when given the chance did he break my trust and push me aside once more.
Over the years I saw posts relating to his passing from his family and I was left scratching my head and feeling mixed emotions on how I should feel. Anger, upset and annoyed crept into my thoughts and that’s when the poem came to being written. I must add its got my raw anger and bitterness wrapped all around it. If you don’t like swearing then please don’t read.
PG, OBSCENITIES STRONG VEIWS AND EMOTIONAL
Fkd me Instead…..
I’m just an atom made up of carbon, a molecule chosen to live alongside you.
Took two humans to be compatable too allow me to be habital. Millions joined the race and I beat them, me the winner,Victor or victim.
Fighting the fight from the very begining. They didn’t realise but it was me they were creating after that period of senseless love making.
Nine whole months to grow into a small version of me, loads of hair but no bloody teeth.
Yeah mum did her best but not dad, he fkd me instead as he disappeared like a memory that never fullfilled a promise.
Ffs sperm-donor, wtfs up with you. Yeah you had your fun with my mum then it all got intence, no wonder I’m short on patience. Wtfs actually wrong with you, you named your next Son the same name as me, that’s fkd up, I’m the Original, you can’t just erase and replace me, that’s sad, did you do that just to infuriate me.
Your a cripple, you must be you spineless reject with not enough respect to care for a life you created, tosser, fkr, knobhead you think you deserve the title of my Dad, well fk you like you fkd me, yeah you fkd all 3 of us.
Sorry that your now dead but you died before that when I last heard your voice when we spoke on the phone last. Our secret, you never kept, we met, gave you time, let you in then you fkd me all over again when you told my mum. Your some kinda cunt with a mission to destroy all my trust. Well fk you biological I never needed you, didn’t even know you, never would have picked you and I’m glad, you didn’t care for this life that you never kept, bet you never wept, no memories, happy times, you just left.
So my one final message and this is for you, Fuck You, you could have been dad but No, you fkn fkd me instead.
Only one regret, I didn’t get the chance to say these words direct to your face.
Bullet on your doorstep…..
Spiralling around this firing range called Life, twists and turns that block your aims, the bullets like dark secrets hit and ricochet my shattered thoughts.
Am I losing this battle of my mind? Did that last aim finally hit home. Like the demon thats followed my path, did that trigger snap and finally pierce my past.
Locked in the empty dark secrets, alone without answers. The stories, the lies, the blankness of a truth never told.
Feeling like the rug was finally pulled from right beneath me as I lay in the gravel and they carry on like it just didn’t happen.
Dirty dark secrets, rumours, half baked stories. No start, just a snippet with no conclusion and left in a void wondering what the hell I’d just witnessed.
Confused, unable to decifer their choices when they buried the truth so far away from me.
Digging the thoughts that clung to my memory but covered in fog that died right beside me.
Anger, frustration with no answer given until that bullet firmly hits you. Like a tidal wave that’s covered your past now unveils the secrets you’ve battled through life.
The past finally finds you like looking through stained glass, amazing what secrets they’ve kept.
Through one conversation your horrors hit home, that life niggling feeling chokes your next words.
Did she fire that shot to enable my thought or was it a low blow to mess with my soul.
The past rolls into the future and your questions scattered yet still lay unanswered.
Processing the thoughts, holding the anger, mixed up emotions, looking into your past like it didn’t truly happen.
Your identity and who you once was, covered in mystery with the answers you’ve lost.
No one to turn too, they’ve all kept their secrets. Asking, yet still they don’t listen, do they know the issues it brings you?
The mountains they created to hide their dark secrets all eventually crack and crumble, unveiling the truth you almost imagined unable.
Their guilt ridden faces has you stare deep into their lies as flowing tears rip open old scars.
When your locked in the turmoil of if only and maybe until finally that Bullet lands on their doorstep.
Lee David Wright
So if you’ve got this far you’ll have realised my issues spill all the way back to early childhood. The poem Bullet on your doorstep plays out my thoughts from younger years and how I felt skirting around the issues that blocked my past. If you identify with my story so far them I hope things went a lot smoother for you and honesty outweighed the dark secrets and lies. I’ve heard loads of people stating it wouldn’t effect a child so young, thing is we don’t stay young for long and that’s when it all starts to cause questions, issues and it’s totally unfair on the individual to have to go through this. On this subject I’d say the child should have all the information a soon as possible and a relationship should be set in place from day one between all parties.